I’m Back

I recently received an adorable card from a friend, congratulating me on my pregnancy and providing me with a smile. At the end of her note, she said “I’m surprised you aren’t blogging more”. Well fair readers, so am I. The blog hiatus started when I had nothing to do but complain about how sick I was; that is, if I could sit up at my computer long enough to do so. The reason I haven’t been blogging so much these days is that I feel all my blogs would share with the world just how anxious I really am about pregnancy. I have a tendency to overreact to things (who, me?) and over analyze all the tiny minutiae of the day, but pregnancy puts me in a whole new category. If the baby doesn’t move constantly I’m 100% positive that I’ve miscarried. In fact, until I actually give birth to our daughter, I will not believe that it’s happened…and then the worrying starts for SIDS and other associated things, but I’m trying SOOO hard not to focus on that. It took EVERY ounce of my being to even purchase a crib, let alone set it up and allow myself to be a tiny bit excited about the prospect of laying my little baby daughter down to sleep on in her girly, butterfly laden crib. After a little scare earlier this week, I’ve vowed that I’ve just got to let things go. So far, other than morning sickness, I’ve had an uneventful, low risk pregnancy. I’ve managed to keep hydrated, not gain way too much weight, and somehow, by the grace of God, pass my glucose tolerance test. I know that anxiety isn’t good for our little one, so even though I’m feeling a little crazy right now that she isn’t kicking as much as she was two days ago (yesterday was also a fairly lazy day) that she is ok. And if she isn’t ok, well, let’s be honest, I have little or no control over that, so it’s time I put it in God’s hands. Usually I don’t like that phrase, I think people often use it as a cop-out or a crutch when they fear failure, but many, like myself, need God to take some of the fear away sometimes. Believing that there is someone out/up there who can provide peace when the going gets tough is what Faith is all about (to me). So I’m trying my best to put this in God’s hands and know that I am certainly not in control of anything going on right now. I have the power to not drink or smoke (check!), to not skydive (no problem there) but I can’t control any of the spontaneous science that has a tendency to rear its head in the womb. So say it with me, peace peace peace. And happy snuggly infant dreams.

Getting Things in Order

I had a great visit with Nikki this past week.  It was a much needed vacation, but I’ll tell you, I am ready for more time off work.  Though my next days off will be consumed by a squalling infant, I still think it’s preferable to sitting at a desk wishing that I was at home and not dealing with the normal office b.s.

Although I need to write another post about Philly since Nikki and I finally saw the U2 concert, I just have to share the awesomeness that was her last day in town with me.  We went off to Annapolis, ready to tour around the city and make mayhem.  Instead, while watching a homeless man play with a bit of wire, we saw a consignment shop and decided we’d walk into it’s air conditioned glory.  I’m so glad that we did.  Although they weren’t selling anything that we were interested in, when we asked about baby clothes and other things we were handed a Moonlight Madness Sale flyer, that had the names and addresses of about 15 other consignment shops in the area that were all having a 20% off sale.  A sale on already inexpensive items?  Why yes, and it was fantastic!!

Although the first stop was really far away and pretty much in a cornfield (where I began doubting that Nikki had put the correct address in the GPS) it was a GOLDMINE.  Blooming Deals and Babies in Bloom was essentially a two store-front shop that was filled with treasures.  This wasn’t the crappy, Southern Maryland thrift store of junk and unwanted items; no no, this was a shop where a person could do some real damage.  From designer purses to clothes for women, children and babies (heck there might have been men’s clothes, but I wasn’t looking at that) this place was stacked with awesome stuff.  They had a TON of stuff for kids.  Gently used toys, baby seats, and again, did I mention the clothes.  Nikki and I were in Heaven.  Nikki generously purchased some items for the baby (oops, I almost typed her name, that is not yet ripe for official announcement!)  that she couldn’t pass up, including the cutest little jacket on the planet.  I bought some onesies that were all less than a dollar a piece, and most of them still had the tags on them.  I even bought her two little bathing suits for next summer because no matter how hard I tried, my hands would not move to put them back.  Come on people, there was a little duckie with an umbrella on one of them.  What would you have done?

Although it was lunchtime, for once, the baby was cooperating and I wasn’t overcome by the need to eat, and Nikki was as high on shopping as I was.  As we made our way back towards Annapolis, we stopped in Stevensville at Twice is Nice Consignment Boutique.   I actually felt a little bad when we left because we got such great deals on our haul.  When I first walked in, I found a baby swing that I that I thought would work great at my in-laws house.  I had no intention of having one at home, but for the price, it was going to work great at the in-laws.  ($33 after savings) After grabbing a bunch of 99cent onesies (that were seriously so cute I could puke) I happened upon a bag sitting by the back door of the shop.  The contents of the bag was a very girly (but very cute) crib bedding set.  I asked for a price and the owner said it had just come in and she’d have to price it out.  I’d seen this brand of bedding online and it was usually pretty pricey, so I was thinking it wouldn’t be in the range I was willing to pay for a bedset that wasn’t my first choice.  (and my first choice was so darned cute!)  After a few minutes she comes back with a price…$66 (with discount).  I almost shouted “Sold!” but managed to contain myself as she bagged up the 14 pieces (including 3 fitted sheets, a mattress pad, a lamp and a rug) Although not really my style, it looks AMAZING in the room with the dark crib.  Here’s the link, but remember, I don’t like a ton of matching stuff and this room looks like a Cocalo Sugar Plum bomb went off in it.

So the day was a success.  For under $150, I have a bag of clothes, a swing, an adorable-ish bedding set, and, the best part, I know how to get back to these places when our little girl gets older and I don’t have to spend a fortune dressing her.  I was downright giddy by the time we left and at the end of the day, with my beloved Jimmy Johns in hand, it was really hard to say good-bye to Nikki; my partner in good deals crime.

First Thoughts on Our Daughter

**Apparently I didn’t post this and it was sitting in my drafts folder.  Not sure it was really done, but I’m posting it anyway.**

Hearing “It’s a girl” yesterday just threw me for a loop.  Although my first thought was that my baby was a girl, I had convinced myself that we were having a boy because we didn’t like any boy names.  (Though after careful consideration, we have chosen our boy name-Christian-but that won’t apply for awhile if ever).  Finding out that we would have a daughter brought me so much joy and knowing that this baby growing inside me is a little girl just makes the whole experience seem more real.

Mother’s and daughters often have interesting relationships, and my only fear is that when my daughter is 16 she’ll scream at me the way I once screamed to my Mother in a fit of hormones and rage.  It’s not that I didn’t love my mother, I did, there is just some sort of crazy relationship that we had that seemed to feed off of estrogen.  I pray that I don’t allow history to repeat itself and that my daughter and I can have a relationship where we only raise our voices to cheer for the Colts.  (because what child of mine would like the Eagles?)  I pray that my daughter can trust me with anything and I vow to always keep an open mind when she asks me questions that scare me to death.

A Moment of Psychosis

My life is simply consumed by my pregnancy.  It’s so funny how this tiny being inside me is already a constant presence in my life.  While I thought I felt the baby move, I must not have because I never felt it again, but I should start to feel him/her moving in the next couple of weeks.  Despite being sick all the time, there is no reason my life should revolve around the baby yet.  Shouldn’t I be selfish and enjoy the next 5 months of alone time that I have?  I already know the answer to this-from the minute I knew there was a human being growing inside me, I ceased to be just Kate.  I’m responsible for the life of this innocent creature that I have yet to meet.  Every breath I take affects this child and every bite of food I put in my mouth leaches into the belly of my tiny baby.

I feel obsessed.  I feel like my only thoughts are about this baby and if I’m doing the right things now to have a healthy child and if once the baby is born, I’ll do all the right things to sustain this healthy child.  It’s terrifying people, terrifying.  I know that I’m not the first person to go through this, but I admit I feel so alone at times.  The thoughts that race through my head just scare me-how can I do this?  The messiest person on the planet; the person who has no routine in her life whatsoever?  How can I keep a child healthy and safe when I usually drive at least 10 miles over the speed limit with one hand on the wheel?  How can I pay for this child to go to college when I’m still paying off my student loan?  What if my child doesn’t want to go to school?  What if my child doesn’t really have the aptitude to go to school-will I be disappointed that my child isn’t cerebral or will I be proud of him/her no matter what?  In an effort to get myself excited about the baby, I started looking at décor for the nursery.  But I don’t really care about that stuff-I just care that everything is going to be ok.  I don’t know how you Moms do it…how you can sleep at night and not worry that something is going to happen to your baby, your 6 year old, your 20 year old; I just don’t know how to handle it and it scares me to death.