A Moment of Psychosis

My life is simply consumed by my pregnancy.  It’s so funny how this tiny being inside me is already a constant presence in my life.  While I thought I felt the baby move, I must not have because I never felt it again, but I should start to feel him/her moving in the next couple of weeks.  Despite being sick all the time, there is no reason my life should revolve around the baby yet.  Shouldn’t I be selfish and enjoy the next 5 months of alone time that I have?  I already know the answer to this-from the minute I knew there was a human being growing inside me, I ceased to be just Kate.  I’m responsible for the life of this innocent creature that I have yet to meet.  Every breath I take affects this child and every bite of food I put in my mouth leaches into the belly of my tiny baby.

I feel obsessed.  I feel like my only thoughts are about this baby and if I’m doing the right things now to have a healthy child and if once the baby is born, I’ll do all the right things to sustain this healthy child.  It’s terrifying people, terrifying.  I know that I’m not the first person to go through this, but I admit I feel so alone at times.  The thoughts that race through my head just scare me-how can I do this?  The messiest person on the planet; the person who has no routine in her life whatsoever?  How can I keep a child healthy and safe when I usually drive at least 10 miles over the speed limit with one hand on the wheel?  How can I pay for this child to go to college when I’m still paying off my student loan?  What if my child doesn’t want to go to school?  What if my child doesn’t really have the aptitude to go to school-will I be disappointed that my child isn’t cerebral or will I be proud of him/her no matter what?  In an effort to get myself excited about the baby, I started looking at décor for the nursery.  But I don’t really care about that stuff-I just care that everything is going to be ok.  I don’t know how you Moms do it…how you can sleep at night and not worry that something is going to happen to your baby, your 6 year old, your 20 year old; I just don’t know how to handle it and it scares me to death.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Missy
    May 06, 2011 @ 16:59:59

    awww, Kate. My life has been consumed by my kids for 7 years now. Its okay, it becomes the new normal – and I wouldn’t want it any other way 🙂 And I still worry a lot, but I think that now with 3 I am too busy and/or tired to worry. You can do this, you will be awesome!

    Reply

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