Relax, Don’t Do It, When You Want to Go to It

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past couple months. Too much thinking. I’m so inside my own head that I’m not enjoying what is going on around me and I’m not enjoying the life I’m currently leading. I’m always trying to find “what’s next?” or pontificate on “what was”. No more of that…or at least an effort to decrease. I want to enjoy today, tomorrow, next week, etc. I don’t have any huge decisions that must be made right this second. I can just relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor and have a good time with myself RIGHT NOW. I’m always planning and preparing, which are admirable things, but I’m never just enjoying. I know longer have the burden of grad school weighing on my shoulders (tonight is my last class) and I have no other obligations other than my vegetable garden, so I’m good. I’m going to try to just ride the way of my hard work. Mircea and I are doing SOOOOO much better, but instead of focusing on “what should be”, “what could be”, “what was” I am going to focus on right now. Right now is GRRRR-eat with him so no more panicking and wanting old things back.

I want to make it clear that I’m not saying “well, I’ve met some goals, so I’m going to stop”, but I’m going to stop looking at my goals as the only point of success. I was telling someone yesterday that I didn’t feel successful because I didn’t own a home or have a family. The guy was like “are you kidding me?” He was like “then I was a failure until I was 35, and I know that isn’t true.” We had a conversation and I went home and thought about it. If I measure success by the love of other people (that I want to love me) or by my possessions, I will never win. I don’t know where I’m going to focus on the whole housing situation, but I’ve decided to let it go for a week or two and not think about it at all. I found a house that I really like and if it is the house for me it will be there after I get back from my trip to San Diego (for work-but still!) and I can think about it a little more. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to own a home and maybe I’m not yet at “that stage” in my life.

That’s enough. No more thinking about this stuff. I’m going with the flow darnit!!

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