Right Foot, Left Food, Breathe In, Breathe Out

I’ve started running again. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it, but judging the size of my ass, I’ve been away much too long. I ran on Tuesday and it went much better than I expected. I was able to do a run/walk that consisted of run 5, walk 3, and I felt pretty good about it. I’m going to start following the Couch to 5k running plan, but I’m going to start on Week 4 to help avoid injuries, etc. I felt really good running and although there was a lot of extra jiggling I hadn’t felt in a long time, I felt strong and peaceful like I always used to when running.

I’m sick and tired of this yo-yo diet/exercise bullshit. I am so upset that I commited 2 years of my life to getting in shape and forming proper eating habits, only to throw it all away since going to San Diego (like the healthiest place ever) and moving back to Maryland. I don’t know if it’s just that I’ve been so busy with school and trying to be a good “house girl” to Mircea or if I truly was just mawing down food and leading a completely sedentary life, but I’m just so fed up. I’m the fat/skinny/fat girl. I’m the one people talk about and say, “oh she’s in her fat season. You should see how nice she looks when she isn’t a pig.” I’m just ashamed of throwing away all the hard work that I did. I know I’m supposed to get up and brush myself off, but it’s so hard. I want to be the beautiful, strong, fit girl that I was going into 2007. Now I’m a scared little fat girl who is afraid of her own shadow and lost all the confidence of the woman who was happy and in love.

I am sorry I’m so “weepy” or whatever the hell I am anymore. I want to just enjoy my life, not be in this constant state of flux. It seems like I can’t get all the variables lined up at the right time. When I’m happy I think I don’t deserve it and I push it (or feed it) all away. It’s just ridiculous and I wonder when I’ll ever just be back to my old self. The old self is the person that is happy and confident and active. Not this blob of a person I’ve been on and off for the past several years. I’m so frustrated.

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