Dragging On

This day is simply dragging on and I am going insane. I am just miserable sitting here, wishing that Mircea would call and just say, “I’m sorry I said I wanted you to leave, I love you”, but that call just isn’t coming in. And I’m a fool for wishing/believing that it could happen.

I’m really scared and sad. I’m not just afraid of being alone because it didn’t go as badly as I had expected when I moved out from Marc’s house. I’m not just afraid of getting my own “stuff” straight, because maybe rekindling my relationship with my therapist isn’t such a bad idea. I’m scared because this is so final, and from Mircea’s track record, I will not be in his life at all anymore. He wasn’t always so great to me, I know, and he’s done some nasty things, as well as some passive things that were just ridiculous. But deep down, though I know things haven’t been so great lately, things were so good for so long and they always seemed to be getting better, but then they’d tumble down like a house of cards.

I don’t want to move out. I want this to just go away and I can go back to my place on the couch with one of the kitties on me and the other one’s on their daddy. I want to go back to falling asleep in his arms, even though it was really warm sometimes. I don’t want the feelings of insecurity or feeling neglected when he plays his video games, but I wonder if I maybe should have just sucked it up a little bit and been satisfied with the life that we did have together.

I just want this pain to pass. So I want it to be like two weeks from now when the tears are a little less and I’ve taken his phone number out of my phone. I’m lying. I want to go back two weeks and not make snotty comments because I’m insecure, and cry a little less about the pain of my shins. And smile a little more when he kissed me in the morning. Damnit.

He has totally shut me out too. He won’t talk to me at home and he called me this morning at work to make sure I was there (and not still in bed crying) but it was terribly awkward. I wish that I could talk some sense into him. I wish I could convince him that I’m good enough. Damn damn damn. This isn’t the kind of blog I should post and it probably won’t be up for long. I’m trying to let out a little of this hurt.

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