Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

Keeping for Posterity

I thought that was a pretty funny title for this post, and its a funny title for a Fallout Boy song as well. I would say its my favorite of their crazily named songs.

I’m writing this based on a conversation I had with Lindsay yesterday. I really need to take a look at who my “friends” are and assess whether or not these are people that I should be depending on in my life. While I was in Florida, I made a lot of “friends”. I trusted these people with my insecurities about getting married, I asked advice about my entire life plan, and now I’m realizing just how stupid I am for doing so. Its not that these people gave me bad advice, its that I shouldn’t have put as much stock in it as I did. Why did I believe a couple of guys that I had met two months before instead of believing the man that I had known for ten years and was going to spend the rest of my life with? Why did I think that they knew how Marc felt about me and how we both should treat each other? There is definitely something to be said about having a “neutral third party” provide some guidance into your life, but my third party was hardly neutral. A bunch of sophmorish guys giving me opinions on life and love when only three had ever been married (and weren’t doing so hot with that either!) was something I took better stock in then a.) calling Marc and getting more information from him, b.) calling my real friends and getting opinions from them, or c.) sitting on my own ass and addressing each of these issues on my own. How stupid am I? I’m so incredibly pissed at myself for not making a decision based on empirical evidence-I took a wild-ass-guess and just went for it with help from people that didn’t know jack crap about my situation. Wow, I am just a damned genious!
So I guess I’m writing this to come to terms with my own actions as far as letting myself be lead off the cliff like a lemming. I need to make decisions for myself (something that has rarely been a strength for me) and trust my gut feeling. I can honestly say, and I hope that Marc someday reads this and feels a tiny bit of satisfaction…it wasn’t that I thought that we shouldn’t be married to each other and that you didn’t love me, I thought that other people might be correct when they suggested to me that we might not be right for each other, and I didn’t have the wisdom to know in my heart that they were completely wrong. I threw away all that was important to me because I respected the opinions of new “friends” instead of remembering and being warmed by the words and actions of my best friend Marc. I need to remember that proximity does not equal quality in friendship. In fact, it may even suggest that you’re only friends because it is convenient…

I think that I might sound a little bitter to the sham friends. These are still people that I had a great time with and honestly hope that we become “real friends” after time as we build stronger relationships. I’d always hated the phrase “make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold”. I always found it demeaning to new friends, you were punishing them for knowing you for less time. I look at it now that you are cherishing the ones that have stayed with you through the years and became a part of your soul. I’m sorry Marc that I didn’t cherish how golden our friendship really is. Despite all the wedding stuff, that doesn’t even matter, the fact that I didn’t trust your friendship over a bunch of strangers-that just shames me.

So I guess I’m your sham friend.

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