Pet Peeves: Bring ’em On

That’s kind of a loaded question because most of us don’t have just one pet peeve. We have a long list of things that drive us nuts and a hopefully much shorter list of things that make us want to go ballistic and start spewing hot lava out of our mouths. (This has only happened to me once, it was scary.) Since I’m in a snarky mood this morning and someone did this to me already today, I’ll start with one of my biggest pet peeves.

• You know when you walk by someone who is in a conversation with someone else and they try to bring you in with something lame like “Oh and then we’ll get Kate to join us later, blah blah blah”? Or the even more annoying, “oh yeah, that sounds like something Kate wouldn’t like” or some other stupid, unrelated comment to bring someone else into the lame conversation that I am not even slightly interested in. I hate this. This usually occurs on the way to the bathroom or when you have a friend waiting downstairs to take you to lunch. One of my co-workers does this all the time, and usually, he skulks away because frankly, he had no clue what he was doing in the first place and needed my competent butt to save his. 
• Do not axe me a question. The sentence is “we were going to” not “we was going to” and you did not “seen” him earlier, you saw him. What the hell school did some people go to? Seriously? This happens at my office every day with college educated people. And that’s something else I’ve learned; a college education means diddly squat for having a brain. I know a total moron, TOTAL moron who is getting a 4.0 in his Master’s program. I’m not 100% sure that he can breathe and think at the same time he’s so dumb.
• People that read while driving. Is there anything else that I can say about this? Are you seriously getting caught up on the news while you are driving your car? How many accidents has this caused? Why is this not illegal but talking on a cell phone is? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
• When couples say “we’re pregnant”. This is not one of my top pet peeves, but it’s weird. We aren’t anything. We had sex and soon we will have a baby, but we are not pregnant. We do not get up 1000 times in the middle of the night to pee; we don’t even hold each other’s hair when we are throwing up. We don’t have what feels like a large fish swimming around our belly and our boobs don’t hurt. Also, on a side note, I am not eating for two. Baby doesn’t want the chocolate cake-I want the damn chocolate cake, but if it makes your fat butt feel better to claim it’s the kid that wants it, so be it, but my fat ass wants the cake.
• Young men’s jeans. What the hell are you wearing? You fall into two camps but you share one
  

  the purse drives the look home

  common denominator, showing your damned underwear. The first came is the ridiculous baggy pants, riding fully under your butt and when you are running down the street in my neighborhood, you are grabbing the crotch to hold them up while you run. (I have no idea why the crotch is the best place to hold to keep your pants up unless you’re just trying to touch your junk. When my pants are too loose (ha!) I wear a belt or kind of grab at the side but you will never see me holding my crotch and running after my friends. Well, never again. The other camp of young men jeans wearers are the skinny jeans. This actually pisses me off way more than the baggy jeans. First of all, you look like a tool. I mean seriously, skinny jeans on anyone don’t really impress me, but skinny jeans on a greasy looking teenage boy make me want to 1.) shout out the car window and tell them they look stupid and 2.) shout out the car window for their parents’ phone number so I can call them and tell them to get their kid some jeans that don’t look so freakin’ stupid. And if the skinny jeans themselves weren’t enough there is this “fashion forward” way of wearing them that involves pulling them down over your butt and tight ass walking around with those on. WTH is this? It looks like a teenage boy borrowed their elementary school sister’s jeans and wore them out. There is often a really ridiculous belt associated with this look as well. Hey, at least they aren’t holding their crotch in the skinny jeans…

• Walking in the middle of the road and giving a car behind you a dirty look when they want to drive. What is this? When exactly did the road become the sidewalk and cars aren’t welcome on it? (Why is it that so many of my rants involve the road? And teenagers? I’ll tell you why, my frakin’ neighborhood with all its teenage hoodlums.) I will be driving down the road in my super quiet “Sneak up and run over the skateboarders” Prius and there will be a wall of kids, 5 or 6 thick just walking in traffic. So I slow down and they keep looking back, but do they get over? NO they do not get over; they keep walking, talking and being losers. My other favorite is the skateboarders in my neighborhood (by the way if anyone buys my kid a skateboard I will come to your house and bash you over the head with it. I’m not kidding. TRY ME) who have their headphones in and lackadaisically skate down the street all while being tailed by a white Prius with an irate pregnant woman in it. They coolly look back and every once and awhile they get over, but my favorite is when they have to do some sort of skate trick (that inevitably) fails, right in front of my car. This is a thing of beauty. One last trick, one last “eff you” to the driver who wants to drive on the street. And this trick usually involves the moronic kid attempting some sort of skatey flip thing and falling to the ground. I will admit, one time, ONE TIME, I looked around to see if there were any witnesses and I considered driving right over this asshole because he does this shit every single day. Hey, I didn’t do it. I’m still going to Heaven, right?
• People who don’t courtesy flush. There are no fans in our bathrooms at work. When you go potty, do a courtesy flush, just do it. The stink factor goes down exponentially and although you may get a bidet like splash from our ridiculously sprinkly toilets, it will be a refreshing part of your day.
• Stopping dead in your tracks while walking to answer your phone, look at your grocery list, or pick your nose. This is best done when you are in the entrance or exit of the grocery store. Even better when it’s raining and you are trapping people out in the rain while your fat butt gets all situated with your cart. I guess the real pet peeve is that no one gives a rat’s ass anymore about the people around them. All courtesy is gone. People walk around as though they have blinders on and the only people that matter are themselves and maybe their family. And what happened to these two words “excuse me”? Why must people just push and attempt to jam by, when two little words of polite, cordial attitude will get the large pregnant woman out of your way when you decide that the shortest distance between point A and B is the line in front of the butcher counter at Nick’s.
  

  You Talkin' to Me?

• Anyone who doesn’t like Peyton Manning. Shut up, he’s awesome. Now his brother Eli…

So what are your pet peeves? Am I dead wrong on these? Do you like skinny jeans on a man? Are you a skateboarder (if so, give me your address, I’ll teach you a lesson. Seriously, I’m a fan of Tony Hawk but for the amateur jackasses in the parking lot at Food Lion and in my neighborhood, shove off. You just look like an asshole in your skinny jeans and greasy ass hair style) who thinks you look bitchin’ out there? Well you’re wrong.